Wouldn't change a thing...

If you would've told me 3 years ago that right now I'd be a Mommy of 2 children, I would've said you are out of your mind!  I've always been a planner.  I love making lists.  I like to be in control.  And yet when you see a positive pregnancy test when your baby boy is only 4 months old, it's a major wake up call that God has the steering wheel (and a major sense of humor!)

I've been pondering this a lot the last week, probably because my sweet Ainsley is 4 months old.  While I certainly don't want to repeat history, I am reminded of what precious blessings God has entrusted to Josh and I.  As a parent, I struggle daily with the reality that Silas and Ainsley are just on loan to me for awhile.  But, I find reassurance that their Heavenly Father loves them even more than I do, which is pretty hard to fathom!  His ways are perfect and so whatever plan God has in store for my children, I have to trust that He knows best.  

If I'm going to be honest, having babies so close in age has come with many emotions, good and bad.  I mourned the time I "lost" with Silas.  It's still something I struggle with, especially in the moments I'm tending to Ainsley but Silas really wants his Mommy.  There are days I feel like I only do 2 things: diaper and feed my children.  And who knew that getting a morning shower would feel like such an accomplishment! 

Not many people know this but my emotions have been on a roller coaster since having Ainsley.  Many women experience the "Baby Blues" after having a baby, but that feeling seemed to last longer than normal.  After speaking with my doctor, it became evident I was dealing with postpartum depression.  The last thing you want people to know after giving birth to a healthy baby is that you're dealing with depression, and yet that's where I found myself.  It's embarrassing and yet a very real thing that many Moms experience.  I just never expected to be one of those Moms.  Here I was, with 2 beautiful children and a loving/supportive husband, and battling depression.  I've been on meds for a couple months and I'm having more good days than bad.  Going through this is one more reminder that I'm not in control.   My prayer for the last year or so has been for God to soften my heart and I specifically asked him for something to happen, be it good or bad, that would make me fall to my knees and rely on Him more.  I think He's using this battle with depression to do just that.  

But...  I've also been overcome with joy as I watch Silas hug and kiss his sister, see them smile, read them books, see Silas' personality blossom each day, hear Ainsley start to giggle, watch Josh with them, take them for walks, snuggle them, the list goes on and on.  As I listen to Silas through the monitor stir in his crib and hear Ainsley's sweet little snores beside me, I am left with this conclusion...

I wouldn't change a thing.