Priorities...

I started a blog 6 months ago, made one post, and haven't written since.  Aw, such is life!  But anywho, wanted to share what's on my heart.

If you were to ask what my top 3 priorities are, I would rattle off a really nice, Sunday School like answer and say God 1st, Marriage 2nd, and Children 3rd.  But do my daily actions reflect this?  Sadly, the truthful answer is no.  In fact, most days I put them in reverse.  My kids get my best (sometimes), Josh gets my leftovers (if that), and God gets the crumbs (once in awhile).  

The balancing act of a Mom is far more tricky than I ever imagined.  These tiny little people, albeit gosh darn cute, take up a huge chunk of time and energy.  It's true that Mommyhood is the best and hardest job in the entire world.  I love my little munchkins more than they'll ever comprehend.  But it can be easy to let these little lives control us so much that other important areas, dare I say "even more important" areas get neglected.  

I'm not ashamed to say I married the best man in the whole wide world.  Yes, I married a sinner as did he, but I absolutely adore my husband.  He makes me laugh every single day.  He deals with my craziness with love and kindness... is an incredible Dad...  loves Jesus.  Need I say more?  But this sweet man I pledged my heart to has taken a backseat on so many occasions in the last 2 years.  It's easy to get comfortable in marriage and take one another for granted.  But this relationship needs nurtured and tended to daily.  If at the end of the day I feel like Super Mom but Awful Wife, then I have failed.  The best way to love my kids is to love their Dad.  Plain and Simple.  What greater gift could we give Silas & Ainsley than to show them what a God-glorifying covenant marriage looks like?  

Jesus said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment."  Man oh man, do I struggle with THE most important relationship in my life.  My Heavenly Father sent his one and only Son to die for me, and yet I struggle carving out time to spend with him everyday?!?  I'm so undeserving of the grace and love he pours out on me.  My most important task as a Mom is to lead my children to the knowledge and understanding of God's love for them.  Taking them to church, singing 'Jesus Loves Me', and reading books about Jesus isn't enough.  They need a Mom and Dad who live out their faith every single day.  They need to witness firsthand what an authentic relationship with Christ looks like.  I am so far from where I need to be.  

Lord, help me to seek your face every single day and to put you first before anything else.  

Wouldn't change a thing...

If you would've told me 3 years ago that right now I'd be a Mommy of 2 children, I would've said you are out of your mind!  I've always been a planner.  I love making lists.  I like to be in control.  And yet when you see a positive pregnancy test when your baby boy is only 4 months old, it's a major wake up call that God has the steering wheel (and a major sense of humor!)

I've been pondering this a lot the last week, probably because my sweet Ainsley is 4 months old.  While I certainly don't want to repeat history, I am reminded of what precious blessings God has entrusted to Josh and I.  As a parent, I struggle daily with the reality that Silas and Ainsley are just on loan to me for awhile.  But, I find reassurance that their Heavenly Father loves them even more than I do, which is pretty hard to fathom!  His ways are perfect and so whatever plan God has in store for my children, I have to trust that He knows best.  

If I'm going to be honest, having babies so close in age has come with many emotions, good and bad.  I mourned the time I "lost" with Silas.  It's still something I struggle with, especially in the moments I'm tending to Ainsley but Silas really wants his Mommy.  There are days I feel like I only do 2 things: diaper and feed my children.  And who knew that getting a morning shower would feel like such an accomplishment! 

Not many people know this but my emotions have been on a roller coaster since having Ainsley.  Many women experience the "Baby Blues" after having a baby, but that feeling seemed to last longer than normal.  After speaking with my doctor, it became evident I was dealing with postpartum depression.  The last thing you want people to know after giving birth to a healthy baby is that you're dealing with depression, and yet that's where I found myself.  It's embarrassing and yet a very real thing that many Moms experience.  I just never expected to be one of those Moms.  Here I was, with 2 beautiful children and a loving/supportive husband, and battling depression.  I've been on meds for a couple months and I'm having more good days than bad.  Going through this is one more reminder that I'm not in control.   My prayer for the last year or so has been for God to soften my heart and I specifically asked him for something to happen, be it good or bad, that would make me fall to my knees and rely on Him more.  I think He's using this battle with depression to do just that.  

But...  I've also been overcome with joy as I watch Silas hug and kiss his sister, see them smile, read them books, see Silas' personality blossom each day, hear Ainsley start to giggle, watch Josh with them, take them for walks, snuggle them, the list goes on and on.  As I listen to Silas through the monitor stir in his crib and hear Ainsley's sweet little snores beside me, I am left with this conclusion...

I wouldn't change a thing.

New at this...

Helloooooo!   I may be the only one who reads this blog, which is perfectly okay.  I started a blog as an avenue for me to share thoughts, feelings, pictures, family memories, political rants, ideas, etc...  In no way would I say I'm a gifted writer, but there have been times I've felt the need to express my thoughts in writing so now I have a platform to do just that!  

Love and Blessings!